The path of my life has finally been shown to me, not in intricate detail, but enough sight has been granted to know beyond odds and doubt; and now I am afraid. Enough experiences have been given to me to erase skepticism of the spiritual and its power and influence in what is considered the “mundane” world; and I falter. I have been shown the door to a world beyond the five senses, have been given insight and clarity to human existence and personal experience; and I drag my feet upon the threshold. Why?
Why do I ask questions I all ready know answers to?
It is because I am afraid.
I am afraid to let go of my own aspirations and definitions and become who I am meant to be, even though I know amazing experiences beyond my small dreams await. I am fearful of the responsibility inherent in embracing this path while I cannot see any future without it. I dread knowing I have been given access to answer the questions I have asked since early childhood.
I am worried, beyond reason, logic, and experience; that I will fail… or succeed.
The Fruits of Fear
I have made just about every excuse imaginable to not firmly set one foot in front of another and make strides. It would seem that I am my only stumbling block. From an outside view, everything is moving forward smoothly and quickly. From the interior, I find myself twisted up inside as I work to hold together some semblance of courage, a mask of bravery, and a marionette of confidence in my life.
Fear is a remarkable thing. It has the unique ability to strip the beauty out of any moment, to blind one to serendipity, make the highest love painful, and the greatest good an arduous chore.
Fear is integrated into our everyday existence; intentionally through religion, through news outlets, through advertising, societal pressure and taboo; and unintentionally through teachers, mentors, and those who love us. The former ranges from overt to subtle. While the latter is almost always disguised as “We only want the best for you” or “We are only trying to protect you”; but when one is completely wrapped in fear, it is always projected, even through genuine concern and love. We are continually subjected by a barrage of fear and this spirit (all is spirit first) slowly collects, layers and calcifies the gateway of love, the human heart. This is an unnatural state for me, and for humans as a whole; this is also a dangerous state for me, and for humans as a whole.
The results of having a calcified heart is obvious if one either looks to current times or into history. War, poverty, fear, violence, power struggles, racism, sexism, power structures, slavery, greed; all of these are symptoms of a calcified heart, an aching soul, that simply needs to breath the light. Fear is used by the fearful as a tool, a weapon, and a comforting blanket.
This is not how human-kind is meant to live. We as a species and spirit are not meant to have our light devoured, our hopes left unrealized, and locked in continual power struggles with not just those we consider enemies, but also with those whom we love. Each and everyone on this planet has a purpose. If one walks in fear, as a master or servant, the shadows cast by the landscape of the mind cease to become a beautiful, intricate dance of light and life, but instead becomes a horrifying darkness. A darkness with a hunger that cannot be satisfied and a thirst that cannot be slaked.
I am not immune to this human condition.
I am tired of being afraid.
To move forward one must first to make a conscious decision to do so. Although what each individual needs to decide is different. For some it is deciding to leave the job and follow the heart, for some it is the choice to quit running; it is as unique as each individual. For all, it is a choice of changing focus, choosing to take eyes from the shadows and plant them firmly in the fruits of the light; gratitude, compassion, patience, and understanding without giving in to the fears of others, intentionally or unintentionally, directed towards us.
The choice manifests in the world dream mirror as opportunities to help or hinder, hurt or heal, run or stay, to give or take power. Each and every “outside” world choice is truly nothing more than an “inside” world choice; and each and every “inside” choice is reflected in the “outside” dream mirror. All choices are emotional, clouded in fear and shadow, and not understood when we cannot see beyond the current situation; but these shadows exist only in our own soul. All humanity carries fear, and for all but an exceptional few, these shadows are dense and thick.
Fighting it only creates more shadow, that is the nature of conflict and fear.
There in lies the conundrum that all humanity struggles with; how does one free oneself from the cloak of lies, deceit, shame and fear we wear through this mortal existence? How does one become the purest expression of the most high, when the act of trying to remove the shadows only creates that which one is trying to escape?
This question has been a stumbling block on my path and a blight upon the fruit of my labor and spiritual inquiry.
Through prayer and ceremony, one of my guides gave me a vision and a message.
“All mortals cast shadows in the light of the Creator. It is only by increasing our own light can we diminish the shadow of humanity, fear.”
I have included the drawing of the vision I was given as recorded in my journal. Once I had the drawing scribbled, I heard “Like a light on in a sunny room.”
The only way humanity has out of the webs it is entangled in is to individually increase our personal light; but where does one start to part the dark veil?
Choose the experience of this moment, and the next, and the next.